


brothers to lovers to "friends" to strangers

by memorial



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, BENLO, Existential Crisis, Idk what i'm doing, Incest, M/M, Sibling Incest, Unresolved Sexual Tension, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22437340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memorial/pseuds/memorial
Summary: It's been a while, and it's torturous; but in quiet hours I've been thinking of you.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Ben Solo, Kylo Ren/Ben Solo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59





	brothers to lovers to "friends" to strangers

Saturday was just another normal day for Ben - he woke up early to run in the park, observe the different species of birds he encounters on the way, then went to the coffeeshop and bought a coffee combo with two donuts and then returned to his apartment , thinking about what would be the next book that would devour over the weekend. It was lonely; weekends were like this: running, eating, reading an entire book because there was nothing more interesting to do (there was exceptions in which he decided to go to the movies with Hux, his friend since high school).

Since he moved to a bigger city, Ben has felt some difficulty making new friends; his work was somewhat lonely, and he wasn't much to talk to his classmates in college. It was all very new. Until a while ago he had the company of his brother, Kylo, but he moved abroad more than a year ago. There was no loneliness with Kylo, there were no secrets, no fear of being sincere or comfortable. Kylo was 7 minutes older, and that "advantage" constantly annoyed Ben, especially when Kylo decided to bother him or blackmail him with something. _"Brothers thing"_ , who knows. But things changed after they moved alone, just them, together all the time. It wasn't weird to share the same bed, it wasn't strange to even exchange physical contact beyond simple hugs. It was an addiction, however, things evolved so fast and everything got weird and confusing. Kylo became a stranger to Ben, and Ben never understood why, or where that started to going wrong. It's just that something went wrong. 

Ben watched the sky that gradually became cloudy, the body totally rested on the backrest of the couch, the mind lost somewhere. It's been more than a year since he lost contact with his brother; Actually... Kylo tried to contact Ben two or three times, but Ben always backed down - and he didn't understand why the hell he did it himself. The coincidence surprises people, immersed in their thoughts, he feels the cellphone vibrate in his coat's pocket. Kylo. 

**Kylo**

_Hey, Ben. Are you in town?_

Ben felt his stomach wrap, his ends froze and his gaze paralysed under the phone screen. _Should I ignore it, answer? How... How should I respond?_ Even before he could calculate the possibilities and alternatives in his head, he had already answered:

**Ben**

_Yes._

A few seconds and a new message appeared on the mobile screen.

**Kylo**

_Great. I know you hate surprises, but... I'm in town too. I'll come by later to see you._

These words echoed in his mind, he always used to read in the voice tone in which Kylo spoke; calm, firm and convinced, never hesitant. But the doubt was... What did Kylo want? Ben couldn't answer anything but an _"Ok."_ Afraid and hesitant. 

The rest of the afternoon was a torture; the time was not passing, he had already organized everything, he had even changed his bed linen and as soon as he realized, he took one of his hands to his face and mumbled to himself, _"But what the hell?!_ ". It wasn't easy at all, much less quiet. He wore a long-sleeved denim shirt that Kylo had given him on his (their) birthday last year, black pants and white sneakers - he didn't used to wear it at home, but for some reason he got dressed. And he waited, and waited, till fall asleep on the couch. 

Three knocks on the door and then Kylo's hoarse voice went through the walls. 

_"Ben...? Little brother, I'm here."_

In a second, or rather, in the scare - Ben raised and opened the door, crossing his gaze with Kylo immediately - diverting attention to the suitcase in his hand, the black coat, as well as the t-shirt and pants; and the hair... his hair was a little longer than he remembered. He was familiar, but at the same time he was different. Kylo approached to hug Ben, squeezing him against his body in a lengthy hug - Ben didn't react, just let himself be hugged, trying to process the information. He always stayed still.   
_  
_

_"What brings you here?"_ Ben finally said something. _  
_

 _"Wow..."_ Kylo closed the door, arching his eyebrows, the expression merely surprise, _"I'm fine, thanks for asking, the trip was tiring but I'm fine, little brother. You're always so... Hospitable."_

Kylo laughed, dropping his suitcase near the door, crossing his arms afterwards as he walked with his gaze over the whole apartment; hadn't changed much, the furniture was still the same as the photographs on the wall; family, friends, brothers. Ben really wasn't going to change things, he always settled in. 

_"I'm sorry,"_ Ben stuttered, cuddling his own back of the head showing himself awkwardly embarrassed _"I really didn't expect you to come here, you know. I thought you were going home."_

 _"Home? "_ Now Kylo walked around the room, his hands in his pocket, still walking through the look through the apartment _"But I am home."_

_"I mean... home, you know... Um, mom and dad."_

_"Oh."_ Kylo stopped, turned to Ben and smiled in a subtle way, looking at him from head to toe, _"They're not home, they're traveling. That's why I came here. But... It wasn't the only reason I came here either."_

Ben wanted to ask, but he didn't think the right words so he decided to remain quiet. It was late, he wish he could go to sleep, but he didn't know if he could. Kylo settled in the other room - the room that was supposed to be his, but they always shared the room, but not anymore, of course - and Ben lay in his bed, thoughtful. The apartment was quiet, which made Ben even more anxious. Would his brother have slept? Or did he left unannounced? Or...? The sound of two knocks on the door interrupted him, and before he could sit on the bed, Kylo was already inside the room.

 _"Amazing"_ Kylo smiled while looking at the furniture, the bed, the window, the curtains - _"You haven't changed anything at all."_

 _"Should I?"_ Ben forced a smile, watching his brother face him. 

_"I don't know...?"_ Kylo shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed, crossing his arms, _"Didn't you bring anyone here? Friends? Girlfriend...?"_

 _"Um, no."_ Ben shrugged. 

_"It looks like I'm going to have to get you one"_ Kylo laughed, glad for the irritation he caused on his brother, but suddenly deciding not to proceed, he knew Ben hated that kind of subject _"I'm just messing with you, Ben. You don't have to stay like this anymore, I know you're annoyed that I'm here."_

_"I'm not angry."_

Kylo got a little closer, curious. He knows what he causes in Ben; he always knew. It was common for both to ignore what society says about it, what others think about it. Ben felt his heart accelerate - Kylo was really close, but he was just looking at him - always the same way: impetuous and intimidating look. Kylo was the kind of person who could cause a stir in Ben's head, only him; and now it seemed that the mess within itself increased and so was awakened from his reverie while feeling Kylo touching his arm. 

_"It's been a while, and it's torturous; but in quiet hours I've been thinking of you"_ Kylo interrupted him, _"What happened to us, Ben?"_

So that was it. Kylo wanted to talk, or worse, Kylo wanted answers. _What happened?_ If Kylo didn't understand, Ben had no idea. Things simply went no longer the same; withering and losing their lives, it seemed that there would always be something more important that would stand out what they had; whatever they had. What is it?

Ben decided to speak, and the words came out all at once; as if he had pulled out a bandage without counting up to three.

_"I don't know... Um, I think we moved away naturally, I mean, life was happening and I don't know, I always felt like I was bothering you, I felt we weren't in the same tune anymore. I must be wrong, I probably misinterpreted it, like most of the time."_

Kylo just nodded, apoitating his fist over his chin, paying attention to his brother's eyes, nose, lips, face. Little details.

 _"And then the months passed and we talked so little, so little that it could be matched to almost nothing, or nothing at all."_ Ben shrugged, avoiding eye contact with Kylo at that moment. _  
_

_"The problem is, I never stopped thinking about you, not even a day. And I think I thought too much about it and it ended up compromising me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. For everything, or whatever I did, which I believe was so much that.... Anyway."_ His voice was now shaky, his eyes seemed glazed and he finally found Kylo's eyes staring at him.

 _"You didn't do anything wrong, Ben"_ \- Kylo sighed, taking time to find the words - _"As you said, we moved away naturally... And I say the same thing about never stopping to thinking about... You. And honestly, I've heard so much that I should let it go, that it wasn't worth it anymore. And here we are, again in front of another starting point."_

Both stared at each other silently for a while, and Ben felt the need to speak more, stuttering and stumbling through his own words. He needed to put it out once and for all.

 _"Oh, Kylo... I just didn't want to feel so guilty, I never got a good way to get to you, but you always had a way to come to me, didn't you? And I know I ignored you. I shouldn't have done that..."_ \- Ben pulled the air like there wasn't enough in his lungs, hiding his shaky hands under his legs - _"I really don't know what's going on through my head most of the time... I... I think it's fear, I think it always has been. Last time I was afraid to tell you what I really thought and felt because you were still committed to someone else."_

 _"You know that meant nothing"_ \- Kylo hit a calm but defensive tone _\- "And you know what it really means to me."_

Ben hesitated for a moment, but went on, as if he were vomiting all his feelings. _  
_

_"I... I thought it might just be confusion from your head, and I didn't want to torture myself anymore. But I torture myself. And... I don't think I'll ever deal with it, maybe I can never get rid of you."_

_"We don't have to get rid of each other" -_ Kylo just whispered in response; he felt exactly the same way.

Apologies would never fix that anyway. Moreover, it would be impossible to get rid of Kylo - they were brothers, there is a bond and it will always exist, though.

Ben approached, leaning his forehead over his brother's shoulder, which grabbed his shoulders firmly with his fingertips; it wouldn't be impossible for that to happen, even after months. Their eyes were staring at each other closely, hesitant and distressed and suddenly the heat consumed them quickly, a kiss that began so quickly, but driven slowly. Normally Kylo was agitated, I mean, it was like he was always _on fire_ ; his eyes as malicious as his lips bent, and in just a second whoever was there with him, would be completely with no clothes in minutes. He was the kind of person anyone would beg for more, it was easy to give in; be dominated by him - and Ben seemed to know him better than himself; all past memories and sensations came to his mind once again. It wouldn't be the last time, not for now. 

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't write incest... But I don't know, I just wrote, put this out and needed to leave it somewhere, (btw wished it had been longer, but I just don't know how to finish this - just as I don't know the directions this story took(lmao), so I left ''open'' and from there goes from each other's imagination. That's it.)
> 
> (sorry for my bad english tho, since it's not my native language)
> 
> ps: If I feel inspired again, I'll edit/rewrite and continue, who knows.


End file.
